


Losing count

by MiriRainbowitz



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 19:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6127597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriRainbowitz/pseuds/MiriRainbowitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Playing an escort mission- bad.<br/>Getting reality transformed into one- much, much worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing count

“Jones, let us out!” Eve yells, accompanied by the sound of Jake and Cassandra banging on the glass, and Ezekiel collapses onto the floor, a tired laugh escaping him. 

“Did you know this is the 36th time I've tricked you into that room?” he asks. “Honestly, I keep on expecting you to not fall for it, but…”

“But what?” Cassandra asks, her voice surprisingly gentle

“But you never remember,” Ezekiel replies. “So far, Jake _always_ calls shotgun on the rocket launcher, and Cassandra _always_ asks if that means he wants the shotgun or the rocket launcher. And you know what? I'm tired of it.”

“Ezekiel…” Eve starts to say, in that motherly tone he's grown to appreciate over the past - too many replays to count, but Ezekiel feels like he's going to explode unless he gets everything out. 

“I have watched _all_ of you die, over and over and over and countless times over, I've been awake for probably days on end at this point, and every time we restart is a reminder that I _failed_!” Ezekiel screamed. “I - I need a break. I'm going to take a nap, then try again. Oh, and if you're worried about eating or drinking or going to the bathroom, don't. I tried to see if we could starve to death, but apparently body functions are suspended. G’night.”

Ezekiel drifts off to the sounds of Jake, Cassandra, and Eve yelling at him. 

 

Eve finishes her story, and Ezekiel smiles. “I've lost count of how many times you've told me that story.” 

_I've also lost count of how many times I've said that_ , he thinks. He's also lost count of how many times Eve has asked him why he let her tell it to him again. 

He changes his answer from time to time. Sometimes he cracks a joke, and Eve smiles, and that's always accompanied by a warm and also painful _thing_ in his chest. Sometimes he says that he just wanted to kill the time, wait and rest before attempting to cross the room again. 

“I like the way you look at me when you tell it,” he says. His voice had cracked the last time he'd said that, but it hadn't this time. _Small blessings, I guess._

“Ready?” he asks, and Eve nods, a determined expression on her face. Ezekiel is silently betting on which one of them is going to get killed first. 

 

“This isn’t the Annex, we’re still at the base. Why are we still at the base?” Cassandra asks, and Ezekiel says the words with her. Everyone turns to look at him.

“How did you know what I was going to say?” Cassandra says at the same time as Ezekiel.

Somehow, Ezekiel manages to smile cheerfully. “Because this is the 42th time this has happened! No, wait – 43th, my bad.” Everyone is still staring at him, so Ezekiel rolls his eyes and continues, “Overload in the quantum field, creates a super-position state that amplified a video game into reality, it’s an escort mission and I’m the player, yadda yadda yadda. Jake, grab the crowbar, you’ll need it for the rage guy in the corner.”

Once Jake’s defeated the rage guy, Ezekiel – as always – hesitates for a split second. He doesn’t like lying, but he’s long since lost count of how many times he’s lied to the others to keep them safe. “There’s a weapons cache this way. We should load up,” he says, and hopes no one can detect the lie or the weariness in his voice.

“Shotgun on the rocket launcher!” Jake yells as he runs past Ezekiel, and Ezekiel mouths along as Cassandra asks “That mean you want the shotgun or the rocket launcher?”

As soon as they’re all safely inside and yelling at him, Ezekiel pulls over a chair and sits down. “Hey! Guys!” he says. “Calm down, okay? Nothing’s going to happen.”

“Yeah, because we’re stuck in here and you’re just _sitting_ there!” Jake yells.

“Yeah. Because I need a break from the – the _lying_ and _dying_ and going through this whole process again and again and again,” Ezekiel says. “And you tell nice stories, although I think Eve was holding back something about the thief in Switzerland.” 

Something warm settles in Ezekiel’s chest when Eve blushes.

 

Once he’s blocked the door, Ezekiel can only stand there, looking blankly at the others. He’s too tired to do _anything_ – move or talk or even think. He feels like he’s looking at the world through a telescope.

He eventually registers Eve’s voice. “Jones, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Ezekiel blinks, and suddenly he’s back in his body. “Everything,” he says bitterly. “I think playing this game again and again and again is actually driving me insane. Did you guys know that I tried to see if we could starve to death? For that matter, do you know how many times I’ve told you about that time?”

The other three don’t say a word. “Of course you don’t,” Ezekiel says. “You’re NPC’s, your memory gets erased every time we restart. I’m the player, I don’t get that luxury. All the times you die, all the mistakes we make, all the stories you tell – all of that is right in here,” he says as he taps his head.

“I don’t even know if I can take this for much longer,” he says. “I mean, stopped counting God knows how long ago, and we’re still stuck here.”

“Then let us help,” Eve says.

“You can’t,” Ezekiel replies. “You – this isn’t something any of you have ever experienced.”

“We’ve all had losses,” Jake says.

“You haven’t lost your friends over and over and over and over in front of your very eyes,” Ezekiel retorts. “You guys get a fresh start every time. You don’t have to carry the burden of lying and dying and failing every time.” Ezekiel sighs. “I’m going to go explore. See if there’s anywhere I can hang out where there’s no rage people. See you later.”

As soon as he’s out of sight, he slumps down. He’s said that the last 7 times, and unfortunately, there really isn’t anywhere that doesn’t have a lot of rage people. 

 

Ezekiel stumbles through the door, taking in the trashed room in front of him. Cassandra says, “This isn’t the Annex, we’re still at the base. Why are we still here?”

“No, no, no, no, NO!” Ezekiel screams. “Not again!”

“Ezekiel.” That’s Jenkins’ voice, but he wasn’t there. Why could he hear it? Had the game finally driven him insane?

“No, you were having a nightmare,” Jenkins’ voice replies. “Wake up, Ezekiel.”

Ezekiel does, his eyes widening and his heartbeat picking up in panic before he realizes that he’s lying on a sofa, with Jenkins standing over him, a lantern in his hand and a concerned expression on his face.

They’re both silent for a few more seconds before Jenkins says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I – I think so,” Ezekiel says. “It’s just… I’m not quite sure how to start. There’s too much.”

“I was under the impression that you didn’t remember what you did in the game,” Jenkins says.

“I didn’t. But then, after the “happy ending” thing, when we remembered who we were, those came back too,” Ezekiel says. “Some of them are nice. I know a lot more about Eve and Cassandra and Jake, but I usually always wake up screaming. It’s – sometimes, I wish I could claw the memories out of my head, but other times, I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world. Well, no – _most_ of the money in the world.”

“The best I can do to help you is limited to stopping you from dreaming,” Jenkins says. “As for the wanting to claw the memories out, I speak from experience when I say you shouldn’t do that.” For a moment, Ezekiel sees a flash of ancient, powerful grief on Jenkins’ face, but it’s gone a second later.

“Does it ever get better?” Ezekiel asks.

“Trauma fades with time,” Jenkins replies. “You’ll be fine, Ezekiel Jones.”

“Thanks, mate,” Ezekiel says. “And you won’t mention this to – the others?”

“Of course not,” Jenkins replies as he gets up. “Goodnight, Ezekiel.”

This time, when Ezekiel falls asleep, he doesn’t dream.


End file.
